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Postmodern Temporalia
Sep. 22nd, 2005 09:07 pmLife is really fraught when you share the first seven letters of your name with Ryan Seacrest. Because, like, his name is all over the place and lots of people don't like him. All the time I see words like "...I hate that faggoty priss..." and I think "oh someone's about to get it!" and then whatever I'm reading starts to spell my name! And it keeps going for so long that I think that someone is probably talking about me, even if they aren't. I usually only read the first few letters of most words to save my eyes for when I am 80, so sometimes I even start to insult someone back before I realize that they're not talking about me.
My mom is really funny because she has no brain. You can make a joke about something she just said to you one minute ago and she won't get it. For someone with no brain she has a really good memory though, because she always remembers that I didn't bring my dean's list letter to the car insurance lady last week like I was supposed to. She also pretends to put money in my bank account, but her pretend money isn't like Monopoly money because you can't see it. Anyway it was her birthday last week and my dad (who has a brain but no memory; she and he sum to zero) came home from work and then went right back out and got some sugarless chocolate for her because he forgot. She doesn't like sugarless chocolate. My brother didn't have to get anything because he is 16 and nobody understands him. I walked to the store and bought her a book and I also walked to another store and bought some things so I could make a cake in our Bundt pan. Oh man I already wrote about this. Ok well I'll tell you some other stuff. I greased the pan for the cake really well, but the cake still tore when I turned the pan upside-down to take it out. I put the ripped parts back in place and masked them with frosting, so I don't think anyone noticed. I didn't eat any of the cake until it was kind of stale a couple days later. It would have been more stale, but we keep things like cakes in the microwave so our dog won't get them. It is a family idiosyncracy. Sometimes my dad, who has no memory, forgets that a cake is in there and turns the microwave on without putting anything in there (because he gets distracted and thinks he has already put in whatever he wanted to be cooked), and sometimes there's aluminum foil on the cake to keep it from going stale. Sometimes my mom, who has no brain, accidentally turns the microwave on when she is just trying to use the timer. In both these cases, the aluminum foil makes a lot of sparks. Usually when this happens everyone seems to instantly be in the kitchen and talking all at once and we'd throw up our hands if throwing up our hands didn't look like deaf applause.
My mom is really funny because she has no brain. You can make a joke about something she just said to you one minute ago and she won't get it. For someone with no brain she has a really good memory though, because she always remembers that I didn't bring my dean's list letter to the car insurance lady last week like I was supposed to. She also pretends to put money in my bank account, but her pretend money isn't like Monopoly money because you can't see it. Anyway it was her birthday last week and my dad (who has a brain but no memory; she and he sum to zero) came home from work and then went right back out and got some sugarless chocolate for her because he forgot. She doesn't like sugarless chocolate. My brother didn't have to get anything because he is 16 and nobody understands him. I walked to the store and bought her a book and I also walked to another store and bought some things so I could make a cake in our Bundt pan. Oh man I already wrote about this. Ok well I'll tell you some other stuff. I greased the pan for the cake really well, but the cake still tore when I turned the pan upside-down to take it out. I put the ripped parts back in place and masked them with frosting, so I don't think anyone noticed. I didn't eat any of the cake until it was kind of stale a couple days later. It would have been more stale, but we keep things like cakes in the microwave so our dog won't get them. It is a family idiosyncracy. Sometimes my dad, who has no memory, forgets that a cake is in there and turns the microwave on without putting anything in there (because he gets distracted and thinks he has already put in whatever he wanted to be cooked), and sometimes there's aluminum foil on the cake to keep it from going stale. Sometimes my mom, who has no brain, accidentally turns the microwave on when she is just trying to use the timer. In both these cases, the aluminum foil makes a lot of sparks. Usually when this happens everyone seems to instantly be in the kitchen and talking all at once and we'd throw up our hands if throwing up our hands didn't look like deaf applause.
